nicolette shea and jade baker in “piano pussy practice”
scene title: piano pussy practice
performers: nicolette shea, jade baker
site: hot and mean ◅ brazzers (mindgeek)
production credits: none listed
trailer
with her platinum hair, enhanced chest, and amazonian stature, nicolette shea is something of a throwback to the contract stars of the 1990s in an era of slim teens and well-preserved milfs. since the 1990s was when i was of an age to start taking notice of porn, i have a kind of self-indulgent admiration for ms. shea, despite the fact that i don't think i've ever fully respected a scene she's appeared in. she's frequently cast in roles where she physically dominates smaller, younger performers, and while i don't necessarily have an amazon kink i can't deny that the sheer visual contrast is arresting.
jade baker isn't particularly tiny, but she is still putty in nicolette's hands here, as her facility with "brazzers face" (the shocked and slightly turned-on expression that dominates the brand's marketing) makes her the perfect foil to nicolette's cartoonish seduction while some library piano music stands in for jade's not exactly lisztian hands on the piano keys.
the premise is absurd, a philistine's fantasy of high-culture power plays, and the ridiculous editing, bizarre camera angles, and dramatic use of color makes it all perfectly over-the-top even before nicolette shoves her naked crotch into jade's face as a final test of her concentration. "oh my god this is so stupid," i said out loud several times in the first ten minutes, which is i think more verbal reaction than any of these scenes have gotten out of me yet. the brazzers aesthetic is bone-dumb, but crudely effective: no matter how much v. serious porn fans may decry its attempts at comedy, bullshit that knows it's bullshit is ten times more attractive to an uncommitted audience than bullshit that demands you take it seriously. (you may, if you like, apply the lesson to the 2016 presidential election, or to the ratings success of cbs sitcoms.)
once the sex gets going, it remains just as absurd, with pretzel contortions on top of the piano, on the bench, and on the floor (tribbing in piledriver is the silliest goddamn move on the planet), and volume of moans standing in for passion. both nicolette and jade are professionals and exert themselves mightily in the simulation of ecstasy, and if i never believed it for a second that may be more of a reflection on my own cynicism rather than on how much fun they were actually having.
it was shot surprisingly competently, with bold primary colors like nicolette's hair and dress giving visual shape to the scene, and if the editing was less than stellar, blame the premise which required a non-piano-playing pornstar to play a piano while kissing a woman sitting on top of it. i'm even giving the script relatively high marks for its sheer chutzpah. if you have a living cartoon character like nicolette shea on your set, you might as well get some cartoon mileage out of it.
performances: 22
cinematography: 20
editing: 15
script: 10
sjw points: 2
total score:
performers: nicolette shea, jade baker
site: hot and mean ◅ brazzers (mindgeek)
production credits: none listed
trailer
 |
| l: jade baker, r: nicolette shea |
with her platinum hair, enhanced chest, and amazonian stature, nicolette shea is something of a throwback to the contract stars of the 1990s in an era of slim teens and well-preserved milfs. since the 1990s was when i was of an age to start taking notice of porn, i have a kind of self-indulgent admiration for ms. shea, despite the fact that i don't think i've ever fully respected a scene she's appeared in. she's frequently cast in roles where she physically dominates smaller, younger performers, and while i don't necessarily have an amazon kink i can't deny that the sheer visual contrast is arresting.
jade baker isn't particularly tiny, but she is still putty in nicolette's hands here, as her facility with "brazzers face" (the shocked and slightly turned-on expression that dominates the brand's marketing) makes her the perfect foil to nicolette's cartoonish seduction while some library piano music stands in for jade's not exactly lisztian hands on the piano keys.
the premise is absurd, a philistine's fantasy of high-culture power plays, and the ridiculous editing, bizarre camera angles, and dramatic use of color makes it all perfectly over-the-top even before nicolette shoves her naked crotch into jade's face as a final test of her concentration. "oh my god this is so stupid," i said out loud several times in the first ten minutes, which is i think more verbal reaction than any of these scenes have gotten out of me yet. the brazzers aesthetic is bone-dumb, but crudely effective: no matter how much v. serious porn fans may decry its attempts at comedy, bullshit that knows it's bullshit is ten times more attractive to an uncommitted audience than bullshit that demands you take it seriously. (you may, if you like, apply the lesson to the 2016 presidential election, or to the ratings success of cbs sitcoms.)
once the sex gets going, it remains just as absurd, with pretzel contortions on top of the piano, on the bench, and on the floor (tribbing in piledriver is the silliest goddamn move on the planet), and volume of moans standing in for passion. both nicolette and jade are professionals and exert themselves mightily in the simulation of ecstasy, and if i never believed it for a second that may be more of a reflection on my own cynicism rather than on how much fun they were actually having.
it was shot surprisingly competently, with bold primary colors like nicolette's hair and dress giving visual shape to the scene, and if the editing was less than stellar, blame the premise which required a non-piano-playing pornstar to play a piano while kissing a woman sitting on top of it. i'm even giving the script relatively high marks for its sheer chutzpah. if you have a living cartoon character like nicolette shea on your set, you might as well get some cartoon mileage out of it.
performances: 22
cinematography: 20
editing: 15
script: 10
sjw points: 2
total score:
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